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This weekend Nashville experienced record-breaking rain, flooding and deaths. Needless to say I've been stuck in the house for the latter part of the last 36 hours. Because of this I got a chance to completely catch up on my DVR and other shows that came on television. I just finished watching this show, What Chili Wants. Thanks to twitter I've heard various things about this show but I never got a chance to watch it myself. This was completely by choice because I definitely watch the Brandy & Ray-J show (which comes on right after).
Apparently like every other C-list celebrity that's looking for love, VH-1 decided to give her a shot. My immediate thoughts are that Chili is kind of self-righteous and definitely too picky. I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with having standards but Tionna (the girl setting her up on dates) picked out a variety of men. Based on the tweets from a lot of the women in my timeline some of these guys seemed like winners and they would love to go on dates with most of them.
In my opinion, Chili's problem is that she has a long check list in her mind of what she wants in a man. Check lists aren't the problem as long as the items on the list are realistic. Nothing is wrong with wanting a partner who is generous, nice, intelligent, ambitious, good with children, etc. When your list starts comprising items such as: can't eat pork, has to be this tall, can't drink at all, etc. you will start to alienate yourself.
My first solution to Chili's issues is that she is LOOKING for a man. Whatever happened to letting a man find you? Proverbs 18:22 says "He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord." It says nothing about she who finds a husband. Chili really has the game twisted. Maybe her messing around with Usher has her outlook and perception on dating all messed up (yep #shots).
Second, Chili acts real self-righteous. I'm not saying that she doesn't have the right to be but lets face it. She has stated on her show that she really wants to have another child. Let's run down her statistics. According to Wikipedia, she is 39 years old and a single mother. Personally I just wouldn't be excited about going into a situation with a woman knowing that it would be a ready-made family type thing. At damn near 40, based on child bearing years, she's pretty ancient. She also has a lot of baggage as far as previous relationships in the public eye (Dallas Austin, Usher, Floyd Mayweather and T.J. Holmes). That being said Chili has many flaws just like the men she dates so for her not to even give most of them a chance seems a little sanctimonious.
What Chili Wants is a microcosm of what occurs in society today. I see it on twitter a lot as well with trending topics such as #ICouldNeverDate. Everyone wants to say what they won't put up with and what is wrong with the dating pool that they are exposed to. My advice is to look within yourself first because I guarantee most times the things that you say you won't tolerate, you probably exude. That's just my advice. Rozonda Thomas (or whoever this fits), take it how you will.
***added video***
20 comments:
So, *sigh* I am pretty sure that Chili's "list" is a compilation of issues she probably believes contributed to her past failed relationships. From the outside looking in, I would def agree that she is a little crazy and definately unrealistic with ALL of the requirements on that four page letter of a checklist she goes by. She will never find a man if she desires that EVERY requirement on her list be met (well unless she dates Jesus and that's not going to happen). I know that there are things that I would prefer not to deal with in a relationship as well. For me, some things will not be compromised...Christianity, loving, selfless, makes me laugh,to name a few...but I also know that I try to reciprocate everything that I ask for from my boyfriend/partner whatever. Her list is a #FAIL bc she is so stuck in her ways she thinks she is perfect and HE must make all the compromises. But being 40ish the odds are already against her so not that she should lower her standards but if she plans on finding a GOOD man she has to realize that NO ONE, including R. Thomas, is perfect. Since I do not see that happening anytime soon, Chili keeping letting the GOOD ones fall through the cracks...one of them are bound to find me ;)
Tonight was my second time watching the show, and I agree, her list is too long. However, I think she has those items (height, drinking, pork) on her list because she wants another child, and she wants a man that fits in with the way she is currently raising her son, and will raise any future child. In her case, I think the child is what she really wants, the man is just a means to an end.
In that case, she should go have a child. Adopt a baby, go to a sperm bank, or ask Dallas to donate some sperm for insemination. I stated on twitter, a man can wait, but her eggs cannot. That would be my suggestion to any woman over 35 who wants a child, and isn't in a serious relationship.
So I agree with Kyzzie. I also wanna add that I don't think anything is wrong with a woman looking for a man. Especially since some women are not in an environment to have a man just fall out of the sky (i.e. medical school). Sometimes you have to go for the things you want out of life and not just wait for them to find you. Many women have waited for this Mr. Right to appear out of nowhere. They've waited so long that they've grown old, can't have kids, and live with 50 cats. I'm not saying you have to go and chase a man, but I don't see anything wrong with placing yourself in his path and letting fate play out the rest. Great blog though.
@CillaPriMD
i agree 100% with this. having this conversation now on instant messenger. there is absolutely nothing wrong with a woman placing herself in the right position to be "found" by the type of man that she wants to be with. it happens all the time. how many times has a woman seen a man out and about and flashed a smile or flipped her hair? this is really a non-verbal way of letting a man know that she is available to his advances. it's up to him to take the next step.
@N.I.A.:
you're right about the man vs the child. the problem is that just because your biological clock is ticking doesn't mean you be extra picky. matter of fact you would think the opposite would occur.
your advice to older woman reminds me of the situation in the backup plan. if it works then more power to you.
@Kyzzie_Fresh:
"Chili's "list" is a compilation of issues she probably believes contributed to her past failed relationships."
-there's nothing wrong with not wanting to make the same mistakes you made from one relationship to another. to me it seems like in this instance she is holding current men responsible for mistakes men have made in her past. that's not cool.
and fall through the cracks to you? o_0 lol
I haven't seen the show either, but like you, I've seen tweets about it, and I agree that she has extremely high expectations, while she (seems to) expect these guys to take her "as is".
I'm ok with having high standards, but we're all works in progress, and just as I'd want a top-shelf dude to "find" me, I'm working on making sure I'm top-shelf material, mostly for me, cuz I wanna be a better person all round, but also for my dude.
The past comments have pretty much covered all the bases. I thought it was interesting that Chili herself said that she couldn't change and wouldn't even know how it she wanted to. She is not being realistic at all. She wants her guy to automatically fit into her lifestyle but she is not willing to adjust anything on her end. She keeps using her son and the second child that she wants as reason to be extra picky but she makes a lot of excuses. Even when she found a guy that met the criteria on her list she said "Well just because he's the list doesn't mean there's a spark" I feel like she is just wasting everyone's time. :(
Good post, Tunde. Like many women, I see nothing wrong with giving voice (or pen) to what you want and need in a man. I believe that as we mature, this list is modified and....that's okay. With regard to Chili's list specifically, if she's not willing to compromise on some things...she may be single for quite some time.
For example, I don't drink at all. I would prefer a man who didn't, but if he has most other things in his favor I certainly wouldn't shake him for indulging at a rate that allows him to retain his sense of self and doesn't make me uncomfortable. If Chili (or any other woman or man) can't learn to compromise now, she's going to have a rough row to hoe when she does get married. If she gets married. That? Right there? Is a GRIP of compromise.
I agree totally with your opinion. I would never go in search of a man. He will find me when the time is right and if he isnt right, then I will learn the lesson there is to be learned until I find the One...Yes, I do have things I "want" in a man...But God will give me the man that I "need" and not who I "think" I want...I do know the person that I do not want, so that helps point out the man that I would give a chance...This is my first time on your blog....
@JStar,
welcome. i think you posted a comment on my sands' (ronald) blog. get comfortable, kick up your feet and stay a while. :-D
That video...is pure hilarity, lol!!
@ Ms. Minx:
i know right. i'm not sure if she's serious of not (i'm hope she's not) but it was funny as hell.
I think the problem begins when expectations of others become "the list" in most cases. However, it is not that unfair if you meet all of the criteria that you are asking about yourself. I have to admit, when I was 18, I had quite a list of standards, due to my inexperience in relationships. I began nipping and tucking away certain "standards" as I got older. However, I'm still single and without children at 27, almost 28. The older I become, the more rigid I am becoming..all over again, for fear of "settling". The older you get, sometimes, the more stern you become in what you want. This is probably the case with Chili. She's been living for almost 40 years..She knows what she wants. In all actuality, alot of us probably see things the same way as her, but her situation is broadcasted on national television..>She is kinda looking like an old, bitter, woman right now tho.
I pray I'm not that age and still single, but if that's what God has for me...It is what it is.
Most of what is said and done on "reality TV" shows is contrived and I wouldn't take any of it seriously. But your point is still well taken.
The video is mocking the people your post is about. Pretty funny.
I found it funny that while watching this mess on tv (in a room full of women - go figure), I was not in the majority when I proclaimed that Chili was absolutely crazy for these ridiculous "standards"! Something so superficial as what the man can eat? I'm sorry but she's an idiot. And an old idiot at that. Her list sounds like the list my 17 year old little sister has. I really feel sorry for her and I hope her match maker can slap some sense into her! And she's so pretty and so sweet, but her standards will leave her pretty, sweet, and lonely. She wants perfection. And in my expiernce, when he seems perfect, those are the ones with ALL the issues lol. She could be passing up an "average guy" who could end up being her dream come true. Chili and all other women with this mindset need to wake up and revamp that list.
1. Loves God
2. Good conversational skills
3. Manages money well
4. Loves to laugh
That's the core of my list. *shrugs* Now I have a few things in the "bonus" section but those are not REQUIREMENTS...Silly women...smh
~Cam
**Disclaimer: I don't watch vH1 sh*tastic shows**
I used to have a list. I don't anymore, I think I grew out of it, lol. But really letting the man find YOU is the best thing you can have happen because that usually means he's interested. When we chase him, sometimes he's not what we really want, but what we thought we wanted.
But sigh, all is fair in love in war, no?
I have not watched the show either. I am with you Tunde, people have these wants and forget to understand what they offer. Chili may be out of touch and unaware of her blind spots.
"she's pretty ancient." OUCH!!!
this was a great blog Tunde. Cosign all. Nothing to add.
Salute!
Chili is crazy as bat sh*t PERIOD! she needs to get some self control and do some looking in the mirror. i can understand having standards and sticking to them but she is unwilling to step outside her comfort zone and open up! she will be alone until she does that
I understand exactly why chilli has a list. I had set in my mind that I wanted a certain type of man with certain qualifications and my friend said," maybe you need to lower your standards." So, I did and I gave the guy my phone number because, he use to always try to get my attention and come to find out he didn't want a girlfriend. He only wanted me for sex and that was something that I didn't want to deal with. So I was feeling hurt and I am still hurt by that and never again will I lower my standards.
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