Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Death of Intimacy



This is how I would define intimacy. The feeling or atmosphere of closeness and openness towards someone else, not necessarily involving sexuality. This last part is essential to my definition of intimacy. Before I got any further I want to thank my friends, Kyzzie and Maya for the blog idea. They read but hardly ever comment. o_0

If you were to take a poll of 100 people asking them what intimacy means to them I would bet the shoe string in my left sneaker that at least 80 people would say that it involved a sexual relationship or sexual relations between a man and woman.

If you've read this blog before then you know how much I like sex. I don't try to hide that fact. I like sex just as much as I like music, food or basketball. That means I like it a lot. I also know the importance of sex in a relationship and to me bad sex can be a deal breaker. With that being said I think that there is too much emphasis placed on sex. So much so that the art of intimacy is dying off. Yes I (a man) just said that in our over-sexed society the establishment of friendship and having mutual interests or affections is lost. Let that sink in for a moment.

Yesterday on twitter I asked this question:

Fellas, would you ever consider being in a relationship with a woman you never had sex with?

The reason I asked males for their answers is because the general perception is that men are the ones who have issues with intimacy and are sex-crazed. By the way if you believe that this is only a male-driven issue then I have a some beach front property in Kansas to sell you. The responses I got ranged from hell no to perhaps if I was back in the 11th grade. Then I got this response from one of my female followers:

Would you?

I really had to think about that one for a while but I think I would. It would have to be the right circumstances and with the right person. Also the fact that sex would eventually be introduced into the relationship would have to be understood because let's face it, I'm not going to marry someone who I've never slept with.

Honestly speaking I don't think I've entered into a relationship with a woman that I slept with before actually getting to be her friend first and getting to know her on a more "intimate" level. So women here's some advice. Next time you're contemplating sleeping with that guy you like think about if he would stick around if you DIDN'T give him some. If not then I doubt you're on an "intimate" level.

What does intimacy mean to you? Would you ever be in a relationship that didn't involved sexual intercourse? Would you marry someone without sampling the goods first?

17 comments:

Ms. Minx said...

I sincerely doubt I would marry someone without having sex with them, at least unless I became a lot more strict about religion than I am now.Umm. Yeah.

To me, intimacy grows with just getting to know each other, hanging out, flirting, and knowing what a certain smile or look means, being able to gauge the other person's mood/feelings without necessarily having to ask, being affectionate w/out the ultimate goal being sex all the time, being able to talk bout the most mundane things, or the most important things. It's a lot of things. The simple things.

I love being intimate & affectionate with my S/O, and lots of times, those are the memories I think of long after he's gone, as opposed to *just* the "sex memories".

I've been in LDRs where months would go by before we saw each other, so I definitely appreciate intimacy, and how much closer to your S/O you can become when sex isn't "in the way" (not that it really is, but I can't think of the right word right now, lol).

I know after a couple of my r/ships have ended, I've missed the intimacy much more than I missed the sex, lol.

Another good post, homie!

N.I.A. naturally... said...

Good post!!

Whenever I talk to my guy friend about sex and relationships, I tell him the biggest thing I miss about being single is the intimacy. I miss that closeness that transcends sexual intercourse. I miss the sex, too. But, sometimes, I just want to share a joke or a line from South Park, or Sunday's scripture, and experience that type of close bond with someone of the opposite sex

I've never been in a romantic relationship that didn't involve sex, and I don't think I would marry a man without having sex first. For me, sex is an important part of the overall intimacy within the relationship. I agree, intimacy should be established before you have sex. However, once you have sex, the intimacy between you becomes stronger, that bond becomes greater.

TayneMent said...

You mirrored my definition of intimacy to a T. Nice post..

Anonymous said...

Wow I appreciate you for writing this. I definitely agree with you on everything you said especially the whole bad sex being a deal breaker and not marrying anyone I have not had sex with. It was interesting to hear this from a man and I just really wanted to let you know that. Thanks Queen_AG

JStar said...

MMmn this is a tough one...I am at the point to where I HAVE to know the person is worthy before he gets the "goods" but not always if he is husband material...But right now I am looking for something REAL and long term...I am tired of the boyfriends and dating...That gets old and not satisfying...

But I have to say NO on not getting any before saying "I Do" I HAVE to sample because I have been in a marriage where the sex was HORRIBLE...and I dont care how much you love that person, that can make you look at them with disgust...Its important to me...I also say I couldnt marry until I live with that person because thats how you really get to know them and their habbits...You have to know if you can live with this person for the rest of your life...You have to accept them for who they are...When that "New Love" thing wears off, there has to be substance there to be able to maintain life long...

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

Being intimate is being vunerable & open, if you can't do that with an S.O. I don't think you are really being intimate

Reecie said...

Intimacy to me is a level of closeness. The ability to be vulnerable and share deep secrets, hopes, fears, love and just be. Intimacy doesn't have to be sex, but combined they are a powerful thing.

I don't know if I would be in a relationship without sex and I definitely know I wouldn't marry anyone without sampling the goods...

Reina said...

I really have nada to add to this b/c I agree wholeheartedly with your view.

I have, however, committed to a relationship w/o at first engaging in sex.

Good post.

max said...

I had a sexless relationship once. I met him at church and although my status as "resident Jezebel" was probably 90% of my appeal to him, sex was not on the menu.
It was a long time ago so my memory is a bit foggy, but I don't remember it being a big deal. Or maybe I've blocked it out.
I would do it again with the right person though.

WisdomIsMisery said...

Good post. Rather than repeat what you and everyone else is saying, I think this quote from your blog aptly applies to me:

"It would have to be the right circumstances and with the right person. Also the fact that sex would eventually be introduced into the relationship would have to be understood because let's face it, I'm not going to marry someone who I've never slept with."

Sex, although important, isnt everything for me. I've had "first nighters" that somehow became relationships and Ive had women that made me wait and the relationship went no where. Therefore, the two might not be related but they're probably not mutually exclusive either.

I have and would again get into a relationship with someone before having sex, tho if the sex was wiggidy wack, I might have make like Casper and ghost.

Ms. Camile said...

I'd marry someone without sexing sampling the goods as long as they can kiss and dance good! lol j/k.

But Intimacy is very important. To me intimacy means closeness and really knowing the person from the inside out. Intimacy is holding hands or each other and having your minds in sinc. You know that person who knows what you are going to say before you've had the chance to utter the words. Intimacy is a look without having to even say a word. Souls connecting, intertwining.

And if we can't be intimate, me knowing that you have a genuine interest in me (and vice versa), then we cannot have sex!

~Cam

Gigi said...

I wouldn't even consider a serious relationship without knowing what the body is like first.

Our society is over-sexed, but the Puritan values and pedestal placed on it are what make it so tempting.

Growing up my older sister told me, "Women have sex to get intimacy, and men give intimacy to have sex. So don't have sex unless that's what you want to do."

So if I want it i do it.

Anonymous said...

I agree that sex and intimacy are two separate things. I beleive that sex can be ENHANCED by intimacy and that one without the other will eventually lead to a failed relationship. As a woman, although we are taught to "save ourselves for marriage" and accustomed to sayings like "why by the cow when he gets the milk for free" I WOULD NEVER MARRY A MAN THAT I HADN'T SLEPT WITH!!!! Physical and sexual attraction is very important in a relationship (definitely a life-long commitment). Anyone who says otherwise is LYING.

I think that more ppl should try to seek intimacy before the sex. It can improve the overall experience and , I think, ppl will be less likely to regret something if they know they were 'all in' from the beginning. Mental stimulation (non-sexual intimacy) can help the weakest relationship.

Anonymous said...

"I also know the importance of sex in a relationship and to me bad sex can be a deal breaker."

Yet, you would enter into a relationship with a woman without having had sex with her first. If sex, as you said, can be a deal breaker, shouldn't you find out first if the sex is a deal maker?

Ni_Ti said...

Good Post!! Perfect one to come back from my comment hiatus... LOL I will quote what others have said that I agree with to answer...
What is intimacy?
"a level of closeness. The ability to be vulnerable and share deep secrets, hopes, fears, love and just be."
"being affectionate w/out the ultimate goal being sex all the time, being able to talk bout the most mundane things, or the most important things. It's a lot of things. The simple things."

Would you ever be in a relationship that didn't involved sexual intercourse?
Sure, why not.. (And I can easily said right now because I am not in any kind of serious relationship) I think that it would be a little complicated but *shrug*

Would you marry someone without sampling the goods first?
I would, why not. But the question is could I...*side eye* LOL

TiffNicky said...

I love this...I may have to repost for my viewers later.

My thoughts...I could definitely do it. I dated a guy for 3 years and was not involved with him sexually. A large portion of that was due to religious beliefs, but a significant portion of that was because I was scared that it would take away and NOT enhance our relationship.

I think intimacy is what makes sex great. Not that I have a frame of reference at the moment, but bare with me. Yes it's possible to have a sexual relationship with someone you are not intimate with, in fact you can hate that person. But though it may be good, it doesn't satisfy our innate need for an emotional connection.

To me intimacy is far more important than sex. But that's me...and I've been told on several occasions that I'm nuts, so my feelings won't be hurt if someone here tells me the same. I'd be far more hurt if a mate cheated on me with someone and had an intimate/emotional connection. Not that having sex with someone wouldn't cause me to leave, but knowing that he shared his innermost thoughts, needs, and sense of self with another woman would break my heart.

I agree that bad sex can derail a relationship, but I'd also argue that some people need to be more patient/willing to come out of their comfort zone and work on improving that relationship.

since84 said...

intimacy=everything you said in your definition, plus eye sex.

have you guys ever tried it? it's like sex, but without the tacoochie or panini involved. your chances of becoming or getting someone pregnant are zero..and might i add, eye sex will not have you checking your local clinic for their hours of operation.

relationships without sexual intercourse...sure, why not, when there's eye sex?

marriage without the goods?...uhhh i'll cross that bridge when i get to it.