Wednesday, January 20, 2010

All the Best Ones are Taken

**First I want to shout out my Fav, Milan for giving me this blog idea. Check out her blog and follow her on twitter. She really is my favorite. :-) **

We've been pretty good friends for a while now. I don't even remember how we even became friends. That's what I tell myself because she has placed me in purgatory AKA the friend zone. I had the biggest crush on her when we first met but I guess she only saw me as a friend, so that's the position I played. We laugh at each other's jokes, we both listen to the same type of music, we are an intellectual match. We just fit well together. As friends. So frustrating. Eventually I began to look at her as just a friend.

She comes to me for advice or just to vent about the her relationship/men issues and sometimes I just listen because I guess that's what good friends do. I never really go to her about relationship stuff because I don't really talk about my feelings. Until that one day I told her that I was planning on becoming exclusive with this one woman I was seeing. When I told her she seemed pretty shocked and I asked her why.

She replied, "Well I never really thought of you as the type of guy who was the commitment type."

That was 4 months ago and now when we hang out I notice that things have become weird between us. I catch her stealing glances at me and she looks at me a little differently now. I also swear that there is an increase in sexual tension (at least on her end because it was always there on my end). Then one night while we went out on a Friday to have drinks she hit me with it. While I was driving her home she put her hand on my thigh and as I turned and looked in her eyes and I will never forget the next words she said to me:

"I want you right now."

We both had a couple of drinks so I guess that liquid courage got the best of her. I just couldn't help but wonder where all of was coming from. Then it dawned on me when all of this attention from her came about. It was when I told her I had a girlfriend. That's when my conscious took over. Should I do the right and moral thing or should I throw caution to the wind and give into my carnal desires?

What is it about a man that is taken that makes them that more attractive and appealing to women (or vice versa but not really)? Here are reasons why people are already attached might seem more appealing than if they weren't:

First, men seem much more trustworthy because they haven't been straying (that you know of). Secondly, it's a taboo. Exciting, like seducing a priest or midget porn. Thirdly, conquest and accomplishment. We want what we can't have. A woman can feel bad about it, but inside there is some part which feeds the ego if she's good enough to pull a taken man away from his significant other.

Have you ever starting seeing someone differently after you found out they were involved with someone? Did you act on it?

***Based on some comments that have been made I felt I had to come back and add this disclaimer. This story is NOT about Milan and I.***

***Disclaimer #2 This story is fictional.***


Jillian said...

The classic want what you can't have..I can say I've been guilty of that...and been in both ends of situations like that.

I mean you pretty much hit the nail on the head..but I also think that it's partly a "nothing to lose" mentality now. It's kind of like well I can say what I want now because nothing can come of it, he/she is already with someone.

SeeOmara said...

Sounds like she wasn't interested in you initially and placed you in the friend zone. Then you guys got to know each other and she was afraid to be like "hey I like you now! Pick me Pick me! because I finally choose you!!"
Ok I am going to be serious with my answer. Its quite simple you don't realize how much you care or like someone until they have started to move on.
I have felt this way but I have never acted on it because if it doesn't go the way I want it to go I don't want the great friendship to go in an awkward direction.
- I apologize in advanced for my grammar issues. I blame it on my foreign parents lol

DJ Martian Man Hunter said...

again you hit him with that truth bro. This post seems classical to life. I for one have never experienced it, cause once I'm in the friend zone, I never leave. I stay in my lane, as a good man should. I do have to agree with you though, I usually want what I can't have. I just respect the fact that I can't have it and then go read..

Milan said...

haha! You know I love it right? Okay first off...much luv Favorite for entertaining the idea I shot ya and giving your take/spin on it. 'Preciate ya!

Okay as for this WHOLE concept...i've actually been on both ends of the spectrum. When I found myself "suddenly interested" in the friend who now has a girl or someone he's seeing seriously...I had to step back and check myself. Like wait a didn't really want him stop with that now. *smacks hand*. I think it sometimes is a natural feeling to have ESPECIALLY if YOU are single and wanting some attention in some way. Its that whole idea of "he MUST be the bees knees since SHE wants him and oh look! He treats her so great! Man! I want that! Hmm...I wonder if he'll let me smash?? haha! That would mean i'm THAT bitch!" Okay so I let you into the mind of "SOME" women *looks around* O_o lol.

Anyway more recently i've been on the other end moreso. Not gonna get all into it but I'm the girl that the "good guy" is digging and there's a homegirl that feels some kinda way. I'll leave it at that. So this whole concept of not checking for someone until they are checking for someone else sprang to mind. Thanks for doing the topic justice. And errr ummm...what happened with your friend???! LOL.

Ms. Sylaneous said...

First, before I even go into my comment, Imma HAVE to give you the meannnnn *side eye* ANNNDD *mouth twist* MIDGET PORN!?!? C'mon mann! LOL LOL

Per usual- good post. I have a friend who thinks that this happens because when a guy or girl is single, he or she is just 'plain'. When somebody sees that plain guy/girl and takes interest in them, they usually 'dress them up' better or make them 'look better'. So now the guy/girl isn't as 'plain' anymore and is more on the scene and is just more 'visible'.

I don't really agree with that, but I think she's probably the only person I've talked to about that.

To the question:
Have I ever looked at a person differently after I found out they were involved?
**See, I sometimes think I'm a little abnormal. I don't think I react the way most do. I don't THINK I've acted differently in a negative way. I don't THINK I've bumped up my flirting or interest levels when I've found out my 'object of affection' was involved. I may have 'backed off' my convo/flirting a little bit or something like that, but I don't THINK I've found myself being more aggressive to try to get him. Yeah, that initial info of 'oh, girllll you know so-n-so gotta girlfriend now' kinda stings a bit, expecially for me cause I don't invest THAT KINDA time and feelings in everybody and if I gotta crush on you and have actually talked to you...LOL whew- that was a lot of work for me! But- like anything else, I get over it and keep going. LOL (**confession**===>>) I have thought to myself, and maybe verbalized to my friend- usually India or Pam-that "Man, he GOTTA be crazy or something to pass up ALLLLLL of me for 'her'" (hehehe #onmycockyshit...kinda?!?!)

Did I act on it- well again, I don't think I've done this, so there was nothing to really act on. I have a tendency to try to 'read actions' (not always successfully, however). I try to 'follow his lead'. If he flirtin hard and stuff... umm Imma go hard too... If he's being standoffish, and withdrawn, I give him his space and so on...

Finally- the end! LOL

Peyso said...

I think its also the case of something you always thought would be there, not being there anymore. She probably thought that you were going to be there the whole time and that when she was ready for you, you'd be ready for her. Now that is no longer the case, she's gotta give a last ditch effort.

Anonymous said...

I was always taught "a women doesn't want a man that's not wanted/desired". That can plays out both ways, the women that "has" him feels good b/c she has someone other chicks cant/dont have. And then there's the chicks that don't have him that feel left out. Scarcity is a commodity, think about most things we deem valuable/exclusive(diamonds, gold, rare paints,etc) b/c there are in limited supply we feel we need/have to have them or we are missing out. I guess the same can be said about men and women(for some people) lol. If access to them is limited/denied those interested feel they have to get a piece of it.


Miss Davis said...

the disclaimer is killing me...LOLOL

Anyway good post if you was FINE before the chick you gonna be FINE after -- if you was whack before you gonna be whack after.

In my younger days i may have goner after a "taken" man just to see if i could indeed take him. It was more about me KNOWING i was that bi*ch and i could get whatever i wanted. Not really because he became more attractive.

Ms.Minx said...

I HAVE looked at someone differently once they started dating someone else, but to be honest, a lot of the time its because I'm wondering who the heck would put up with their crap, lol! *A lotta times, I'm "one of the boys", so I hear a lot of stuff I prob'ly shouldn't, lol*

I've never acted on it. I wanna say I never will, cuz my willpower is pretty good. I figure, if I was silly enough to not try dating him when he was single, I deserve to endure watching (not literally, people! lol) him have a relationship with someone else.

Slightly OT: I CTFU @ midget porn, cuz I actually text messaged someone a joke about that a lil' while ago.

As usual, Great post ;)

Anonymous said...

Just the opposite for me. Any interest I might have dissipates if I find out she is or has become involved.

Anonymous said...

I'm sure there's also a little bit of selfishness there. Sometimes a friend seeming to only want you when you're in a relationship isn't all that innocent, or genuine.

When a friend gets in a relationship, they don't have as much time for you. This is true of same-sex friendships, but can get even more complicated in male-female friendships, since the new boo might be jealous of the time spent with the platonic friend.

I've definitely had SEVERAL male friends step up the flirtatiousness once I got in a relationship, and I think it was partly just to test the boundaries to see how far I would let hem go now that I was with someone, and partly just out of greed, because they were jealous that someone else now monopolized my time.

They didn't really want me. Probably. lol

Good post!

~Mel (@MelSpeaks on Twitter)

Ashley said...

Seeing as I have hung around nothing but dudes(my circles have always been at least 85% male) my entire life, I can completely relate to this situation.Prior to relationships I've had after college, EVERY bf i've had started out as a close/good friend to me(thats another blog post,can boy and girls just be friends). They always said i put them in that box,but whateva.I say this to say that feelings/intentions change esp once you get to know someone. I have been on both sides of the situation and its very sticky! I have been attracted to my male friends but didn't act on it and when they bought their "girl" around i turned a slight blueish hue (but the hue doesn't last long cuz secretly i know she wont be around long)and i have seen my male friends act an ass when i introduced my man/boo/whateva. As someone has stated, i think its the fact that you always assumed that person would be there. Not as a fall back,but just as yours. And as humans we tend to take for granted what we know will be there.

Tunde said...


I think people feel that way once someone else has moved on because their pride may be a little hurt. People like being put on a pedestal and feeling like they are the ish. When that is taken away they may start to reevaluate things. Oh and your grammar is fine. :-)


So you mean to tell me that out of all your women friends you wouldn't get with any given the opportunity? Hogwash! lol


Thank you for being honest and giving a true outlook on a woman's mindset. Also on that situation you didn't want to speak further on, it seems like the other female is kinda trife.

Tunde said...

@Ms. Sylaneous:

yes midget porn. lol

I don't know about your friend's logic. I mean it might work in certain situations but I don't see that as the norm.

You must be the exception to the rule because most people have been in this type of situation in some form or fashion.


" She probably thought that you were going to be there the whole time and that when she was ready for you, you'd be ready for her."

-Exactly, I think with most people its more about convenience. They know you're there so they might not necessarily want you at that point, so they'll pursue the challenge because you are their safety net.

@Anonymous #1/milesfan79:

I'm really digging that analogy. It makes perfect sense.

Tunde said...


Yeah I see I had to write in a couple of disclaimers. I've said repeatedly on twitter and on here (as well as other blogs) that I don't write about my personal life (past or present). I see I'll have to put a disclaimer on ALL posts from now on. smh.

"Anyway good post if you was FINE before the chick you gonna be FINE after -- if you was whack before you gonna be whack after."

-This right here is the truth. I don't care you are with now. If you weren't fine to me before that damn sure ain't gonna change because you are involved. Now I might have found you fine before and couldn't act for certain reasons. That would be different. ;-)

Tunde said...

@Ms. Minx:

"a lot of the time its because I'm wondering who the heck would put up with their crap, lol!"

-I can't even front, I do wonder this myself about certain people. And it's great that you have such good will power. :-)

Have you ever seen midget porn? That ish is hilarious.

Tunde said...

@Anonymous #3/@MelSpeaks:

-Good point of view on the whole selfish thing. I didn't think about that. *thinking*


-Yes very sticky situations indeed. Hmm. Post on can men and women actually be friends? Don't mind if I do (j/k but not really). I wouldn't say that my percentage of women friends is as high as yours but I do understand where you are coming from.

Reina said...

I can't say a man has ever seemed more attractive to me once he was with someone, but I will admit to putting guys in the friend zone and become perturbed when they seem cool with it. Like what or who has gotten your attention? And how could you possibly want her more than me?

Yeah, I have a ego.

N.I.A. naturally... said...

Been there, done that, lived to comment about it...

I think we have all gone thru the "want what you can't have" phase with friends, especially if we already think they are attractive, and a good catch. I have a friend who has been in a committed relationship for almost 3 years now. And when he first told me, all I could think was there goes my homecoming hookup. No more flying out to visit each other...No more long weekends, no more springbreaks, no cuddling after 1st semester exams(ahh... good times). And then I was happy for him because I knew he really wanted this relationship, and worked hard to get it. I support him fully b/c he is my friend, and I want the best for him, and I would never put him in such a position. Of course, he has no idea that if he had come to my graduation in '07, it would have taken everything in me not to jump on him... lol.

Tunde said...

@Reina: From what I garnered you do seem like you do have a big ego. I'm not saying that like there's anything wrong with it. I do as well. :-)

@N.I.A.: lol. Well I'm glad you respected your friend's relationship. So during your graduation he was he involved with said girlfriend? Also, let's say he came on to you while he had a girlfriend would that have made him less desirable in your eyes?

True2me said...

*mad cause all the good comments were taken*

Yup..good post and points and reasons we want other ppls men

however..I dont generally want men that belong to other people...not usually...not alot :|

N.I.A. naturally... said...

@Tunde: Yes, he was in a relationship during my graduation. It was still a new relationship, about a month old. But they dated for about 6 months before committing. It's funny, b/c he told me a year after graduation that if he had cheated on her in the beginning, I would have been the one he chose as the other woman. Umm, thanks for that honor... o_O

That comment definitely made him a little less desirable... lol.