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Who is wrong in this situation?
This is a good way to start off my next 100 posts. Today while talking to a classmate via Facebook Chat, she asked me if I take blog topic suggestions/advice. I never really considered but I guess there is a time for anything so here goes. This post is about a "friend of a friend".
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Also she will be reading this post as well as the comments so please leave comments, if not for my benefit then for hers. Comments would especially be appreciated from guys that are in fraternities.
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(Year is 2007)
Kim and her boyfriend of two years, Derrick, mutually decide to call it quits right before graduation. Even though they had a good run at Tennessee State University (TSU), Kim found a really good job at the Department of Agriculture in D.C. and Derrick is staying in Nashville to work for Saturn. Kim was Miss TSU and Derrick was very popular on campus (being a Kappa didn't hurt either). They keep in contact over the years but they never really re-kindled anything even though there were residual feelings on both parts.
(Fast forward to 2009)
While out at Shadow Bar in DC, Kim runs into a guy that looks really familiar but she can't really place his face. After a few minutes of conversation she realizes that he went to undergrad with her. His name is Jeremy and he moved to DC after graduation to work for Lockheed Martin. They have a good time that night chopping it up and talking about the undergrad days. They exchange numbers and later on that night it dawns on Kim that Jeremy is a Kappa and she thinks he might even be Derrick's line brother. She asks Jeremy about it and her thoughts are confirmed. She tells Jeremy that she used to date Derrick and Jeremy says that he knows and it really shouldn't matter since it was so long ago. Jeremy and Kim continue to date for a couple of months.
Somehow word gets back to Derrick in Nashville and he calls Kim to confront her. Kim's response to Derrick is "Why should you care if we aren't together anymore?". Derrick feels like Kim and Jeremy went behind his back without consulting him about them dating and if they both liked each other then they BOTH should have come to him for clearance.
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So here go the questions.
-Does Derrick have the right to ask for clearance from both Kim and Jeremy? or either one of them?
-Should Kim feel like she's a chapter set-out?
-Should any of this mater since it was so long ago (and Kim and Jeremy live far away)?
-Did Jeremy betray Derrick's friendship?
-(those frat dudes reading this) What would you do if you were in Jeremy's situation? In Derrick's?
-(ladies) Would you ever date two dudes from the same chapter regardless of the circumstances?
17 comments:
I probably have a different opinion than the rest of the readers, so take my comments with a grain of salt.
Derrick has no place to be upset. They broke up on mutual terms 3 years ago and they aren't together now. Sure, it probably would have nice if either Kim or Jeremy had mentioned to him that they were dating, but they weren't obligated to let him know that. The fact that he's upset is an indication that he still harbors feelings for her and is upset that he didn't make more of a move before another man did.
I'm assuming that Kim has only date these two men from the same chapter, and we don't know if she was intimate with Jeremy, so based off of that info, I wouldn't consider her to be a chapter set-out. #1, everybody is grown and well out of college and #2, I think its silly to say you can't date someone because they pledged the same chapter. What's next, you can't date two guys who lived in the same dorm 5 years ago, or took a class together? Overall I think folks look for too many reasons to disqualify someone and the "He's off-limits because of (blank) is a common way to end up lonely.
His LB should have KNOWN or at least CARED to investigate on his own! That's .... unbrotherly! LOL
I agree with Jubilance. I actually know someone that recently married a guy that her LS briefly dated while in college--also a frat boy. Now, the LS that dated him way back in the late 90s is married herself. I know she told her LS when they started dating and found love (many years after college) but I think when people grow up and on...they should do just that. If Derrick has an issue with anyone it should be Jeremy, but not Kim.
so hell no, she's not a chapter set out. some chapters are huge, especially when you consider several lines and how small some circles of black professional people can be. folks need to get over that.
I think it's okay for them to date, however, I agree with papaSmalls. I think it would have taken all but 5mins or so to call his LB and say, I ran into your-ex. I thinks she's fine, do you mind if we go out? But what do I know...
I can see how dating LBs would get an *eyebrow raise*/side eye from fellow Greeks, but its not like she went from LB to LB like a nympho, lol. It's not the most delicate situation, but she's in a different city, several years later, and was completely unaware of the LB factor. Derrick should get over it.
Unfortunately, its all too easy for people to judge w/out hearing the whole story. If you'd just written that Kim dated Derrick, then 2 yrs dater started dating Jeremy, his LB, I'd probably have made some not-too-nice assumptions myself...
I think if she & Jeremy are enjoying the r/ship, they should live in the moment and let what will be, be.
Side note: I AM kinda wondering how Jeremy didn't know that was his LB's long-term gf tho...hmmm
That's some BS right there! They are in different cities and there's years since the relationship ended. Both people have the right to date one another without consulting anyone else. Would the Nashville Nupe call her to consult her on dating one of her Line sisters? Hell No!
That's just a misguided fellow trying to mark territory. The only way I could even take dude's side is if they (the former couple) were about to be married, not just dating undergrads! And/Or the two Nupes are close today not just line Brothers!
I don't think they both needed to go to him for "clearance", but I understand why he felt some type of way when he found out they were dating. If my LB was dating/boinking my ex girl, I don't think I'd be too happy about that. Then again, we'za grown now. The LB should have checked with dude though rather than let it be a surprise. 3 years isn't a long time to some people.
Ok, how old are we? She can date whoever the h*ll she wants to! It's none of anybody's BUISNESS! Come on really? Two/three years later, another state! She moved on and I APPLAUD her on that! Oh and NO she isn't a chapter set out and NO she doesn't need to run anything by Derrick. That's like asking for permission to use the restroom. It's obvious Derrick still has feelings but he needs to get over it and move on to the next.
Honestly, (and I'll probably get a lot of backlash for saying this) I wouldn't even want this discusesd (sp) on a blog. When it comes to relationships/dating I'm a private person. Not everyone needs to know who you're seeing and why. If she likes Jeremey and he treats her right..that's all that should matter.
Eyespyz: Names, cities and schools have been changed to protect the innocent and the not so innocent. lol
So here go the questions.
-Does Derrick have the right to ask for clearance from both Kim and Jeremy? or either one of them?
Sure, he has the right to ask for clearance from both of them. . .and they have the right to tell him to get a life.
If he and Kim were really still in contact and she didn't at least bring say, "hey, I ran into your lb at this bar the other night" that sounds like she was purposely keeping it from him. . .which makes that suspect. Keep everything in the open.
The LB dynamic is a strange one. . .I have LBs that I talk to on a weekly basis, some on a monthly basis and some I don't even have a phone number for. These two cats might not even like each other for all we know, so I can't speak on whether there was anything "owed" to Derrick there.
-Should Kim feel like she's a chapter set-out?
Yes- she should find out how many LB's Derrick has left and hook them up ASAP. She'll lose points for drawing it out and hurt her chances of moving on to more recent lines.
-Should any of this mater since it was so long ago (and Kim and Jeremy live far away)?
2 years is a long time to some and just the other day to others. . .subjective than a mug.
-Did Jeremy betray Derrick's friendship?-(those frat dudes reading this) What would you do if you were in Jeremy's situation? In Derrick's?-(ladies) Would you ever date two dudes from the same chapter regardless of the circumstances?
As I stated earlier, we don't know the dynamic of their relationship. They may not be friends. My Dean told me, once upon a time, that everyone who's your friend ain't your frat and everyone who's your frat ain't your friend.
If he was an LB that I was in touch with/friends with I'd probably let him know what the deal was- just to keep everything on the up and up. . .not to ask for permission. I'ma grown ass man and if I'm feeling your ex and she's feeling me you ain't gon' forbid me to see her. Shit. Fuck I look like?
And all the women who said they'd never date LBs just ain't met the right line. lol
No clearance needed for adults to interact with each other.
-Nope, she didn't go looking for that it just happened that way.
-If they still keep in touch then it would be nice to mention it BUT it doesn't really matter.
-No betrayal....he just could have said something but that depends on how tight they are.
Well my thoughts on this situation is as such..granted Kim did move on w/her life as well as Derrick..however I feel once Jeremy realized that that was his LB that kim was involved w/, he should've made that call..it's only right & respectful.
Now that doesn't make Kim the set out/jump off chick but in regards 2 Jeremy being shady w/his actions, they are & he needs 2 call his LB & just let him know about the situation..it'll spare lots of grievance/animosity later on..:)
I think that the only reason Jeremy would need to consult Derrick is if Jeremy and Derrick are still close. (I know they LBs but not all LBs stay close) and If Derrick still keeps in contact with Kim. If Derrick doesnt keep in contact with either one of them then he has no right to be upset. He obviously still has feelings for the girl, but that doesnt matter. Obviously the feelings weren't strong enough for him to act on them. If Jeremy and Derrick are close, then he should have definitely @ least mentioned it, because it's better to hear it from his LB than someone random. No kim is not the chapter setout. Not like she knew he was a kappa
upfront or that the situation was intentional.
He should definitely not expect jeremy and kim to ask his permission. circumstances are always important in the situation tho, u always have to consider the circumstances. depends on how awkward it could all turn out to be and how comfortable u r dealing with any awkwardness.
So i'm going to go ahead and chime my two cents in and say that perhaps when you're fresh off the sands and still in undergrad and owt and all...this stuff matters. But once you take a step away (especially for some years) and get your grown woman/man on...its time to unplug from the matrix and handle your relationships and feelings like grown adults. Which means chapter affiliations, etc. shouldn't be of that high a priority when making a decision to date someone. Especially in the case you presented here....where it was a long time ago, the breakup was mutual and it didn't seem to be that deep. Jeremy and Kim should do what they feel and Derrick shouldn't be upset at all.
Depends on how close they are...just because they are LB's or Chapter Bros doesn't mean they are close. If they were close in undergrad, then maybe they should've let him know about it but definitely seeked his approval. They are all adults and Derrick should get over it!
It's like high school all over again...
What does the good word say?
"When I was a child, I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things."
I get the whole mutual respect etc and there are other possible factors like how close Kim/Derrick still were and how close Derrick/Jeremy still were...blah blah...
So while "including" (and I use that so loosely) Derrick in this decision would have been an "aww that's nice" to have, it by no means was or should be an obligation or a necessity.
If Jeremy was a regular guy that went to the same school but not his LB just some guy he knew of, this wouldn't be an issue.
Derrick still has feelings, and you mentioned that perhaps both still have residule feelings...in any case, since neither of them chose to acknowledge that or put any of that to rest, now all of a sudden someone wants to get all butthurt...and the out just so happens to be the fact that they are LBs..and the fact that it's 3yrs later and another state away only makes any issue with the situation that much more petty and silly.
Adults people....adults..
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