Wednesday, July 7, 2010


This girl was no good for me
she had so many secrets, secrets..yeah
Even though she wasn't my main girl
I was still committed, it was me and you
you said you wouldn't tell
but you saved my voicemails
but I always knew

So now cry 'till you drown your face
and bitch I give a damn how harsh this may seem
I'm here to put your heart in its place
chained up at the bottom of the lake
Now let the waterfall abyss.

The Dream, Abyss

The other day my boo wrote this blog post on her review of The Dream's Love King album. I know quite a few people that aren't fans of the album but I am. I'm actually a fan of his entire catalog. Dude knows how to make hits. Back to the topic at hand, my favorite track off of the album is Abyss. As we were discussing my favorite song she said, "it scares me that that's your favorite song." I think that what she failed to realize is the extent of male psyche when it comes to matters of the heart.

What most don't know is that men can be as emotional as women. The difference is how we display these emotions. In most cases when a woman breaks a man's heart they only know of the phase when men become closed off emotionally and try to get over their pain by hurting as many other women as possible. Before this stage there is definitely the fuck you stage. What's the fuck you stage? The fuck you stage is right before emotional disconnect and right after capriciousness. This stage allows men express their emotions through anger. Anger is just like any other emotion. The only thing is that anger can actually help us to realize that we are masking our feelings of another nature, such as anxiety, hurt or frustration.

I've definitely had feelings that come with the fuck you stage. It's more than hurt. It's anger. A lot of men won't admit that they let a women get to them in such a way. I've been hurt that way once. Will it happen again? I don't know but back to the song. My favorite part of the song is: "So now cry 'till you drown your face and bitch I give a damn how harsh this may seem." I think it might be the extra emphasis on the word bitch. I don't make it a habit of calling women bitches but sometimes the word just fits ( if you are offended then remain offended).

It would be nice if I could get more guys to comment on this post. Question time. Fellas have you ever been to the point where you felt like you were in the fuck you stage? Women have you ever done this to a guy? You can be honest. How did you handle the situation?


MsEsquire77 said...

I was in a long-distance relationship in college and it wasn't working. I was a b!tch and cheated. I didn't have to tell my boyfriend but I did and I broke up with him. He immediately went into the angry phase. I wasn't scared of him but I did feel awful for hurting him so badly. (I've never cheated on anyone since and never will).

From what I've seen/heard men do deal with hurt by getting angry and I think that's okay as long as do one gets hurt.

Great post and I'll be interested to hear the responses of your male readers.

Maya said...

I definitely think the "eff-you" stage extends to men and women, but having a lot of close guy friends, I can definitely agree that the male f*ck you stage is potentially more dangerous than the female. Women tend to have a volcanic outburst and are quicker to express this hate, while a man will smolder and allow his distaste to ferment.

This is my favorite song on the album as well. Great post!

max said...

I was on the receiving end of the eff-you stage with my first love. And though I couldn't at the time, I can admit now that I deserved it. It wasn't pretty though and we really never recovered from the sh*t that went down in that time.

Anonymous said...

Even though she wasn't my main girl
I was still committed

Really? Song has a catchy tune, but I find the lyrics immature.

". . . and try to get over their pain by hurting as many other women as possible."

This is news to me. I mean, I am sure some men go on the rampage when they've had their heart broken, but I think that they are probably in the minority.

But I do agree that men - and also women - go through a phase of spitefulness when they have been jilted. It is easy to get through it though without becoming bitter and twisted.

Tunde said...

@Anonymous: no one said that the dream's lyrics were deep and introspective. yeah i think these men are in the majority. mentality is i'm going to eff whoever i want whenever i want. i won't allow myself to be hurt like that again.

That Damn African said...

i've definitely been through the "fuck you" stage and i know for me it happened during my first serious relationship. the breakup was something i didn't see coming so it really hurt when it happened. i would try to mask the hurt and anger, pretend like i was straight, and most of the time i fooled people (my really close friends knew better). i couldn't get the relationship and the heartbreak out of my head. any mention of her name or friends associated with her made the pain, confusion, and anger resurface. after a while, busy schedules, added wisdom, and other girls came into the mix and allowed the hurt to fade and gave me a better perspective. i had another semi-"fuck you" moment with my last breakup, but it didn't last that long this time. it still hurt like hell, but i accepted the pain and understood that i did all i could in the relationship. picked myself up and kept on trucking.

She's Savvy said...

I actually have a blog post about the guy I hurt coming up tomorrow. I definitely did him wrong and I've accepted the fact that he hates me and probably will never forgive me. I've tried to reach out to him but he wants to have absolutely nothing to do with me. Sometimes I think what's going on in my current dating situation is karma for how I treated him.

Tunde said...

@That Damn African: thanks for the comment. great way to describe what you were going through/feeling.

"any mention of her name or friends associated with her made the pain, confusion, and anger resurface. after a while, busy schedules, added wisdom, and other girls came into the mix and allowed the hurt to fade and gave me a better perspective."

i think this is the toughest part. it was a little harder for me because while i was able to add other girls to the mix and time passed she was my classmate so i definitely saw her a lot more than i wanted to.

@She's Savvy: situations like this hurt. i don't think that i was hurt to the point that i wouldn't speak to her or maybe i just cope differently. i truly do believe in karma and what we put out will come back to us. that's why i try not to hurt people who come into my life. i'll be on the lookout for your post tomorrow.

@Maya: the eff you stage does apply to women as well but i really can't speak on that because i'm a man. and i know that's your favorite song. that's why you're my music boo.

Cryssy said...

What most don't know is men can be emotional.....#pause

Y'all are stupid emotional - now let me go back and finish reading

WisdomIsMisery said...

First off, I'm actually more ashamed of admitting that I am too a fan of The Dream than I am of admitting that I've had my heart broken before -- more than once. Cuz I'm passionate, a Scorpio or whatever, when I do love rare as it may be, I love hard. Thus, when that ends I hurt hard. Like you said, I cant obviously lay around crying and complaining because that would be a "bitch move." Instead, I formerly expressed myself through passive aggressiveness and wronging any woman that would let me. I should point out many stepped up to the plate only to get knocked out the park.

Though, as I've gotten older, even when I am hurt I do my best not to take it out on other innocent bystanders. I think I'm better now, then again, I havent had my heart broken recently. Hopefully, it wont happen again so neither I nor any unfortunate women in my path will have to see how far Ive truly come.

Streetz said...

Ive definitely been there. Ill never forget it. Bad things happen to good people but it makes us stronger. I definitely felt liberated.

good post.

TiffNicky said...

I wish that I was able to see more men be emotional. I mean actually SEE. I guess it's because some of the men that I've cared about seem to hold things in. The only time I'm able to see glimpses of emotion is when they surround anger and past relationships.