Monday, December 28, 2009

The Ugly Truth

Today one of my friends, @Khalisha1981, posed this question on twitter:

Twitter Fam,how important is physical attraction in ur man/woman?

After not much thought at all I replied that looks are and will always be at the top of my list as far as a relationship. Its not rocket science so it's not hard to understand that when a man and a woman first meet it's usually physical attraction that beguiles them to each other. I know that looks may bring a person in and it's the personality that makes that person stay but something has to reel that person in. After I posted my response I was called superficial and shallow. #cmonson o_0

You mean to tell me that you could be in a relationship with a person that you don't find attractive? No matter how much you want to believe deep down inside I know you don't believe that. I think there could only possibly be four reasons why you would in a relationship with a person that you don't find attractive.

1. Freak Accident:

This is where personality and love would probably play the biggest role. Looks don't last forever and I think if one person in the relationship were to suffer some kind of freak accident that left them mutilated or disfigured then at this point looks should be the least of any one's concerns (see I'm not really that shallow?).

2. You're just plain lying:

Most people like to be politically correct. Saying that looks matter isn't PC so most people think it but most people don't like to own up to it. You should mean what you say and say what you mean.

3. You're not actually dating that person:

There are some women out there (yes you) who would date a man regardless of what he looks like because he has a certain amount of money or he has a certain status. I really don't think this counts because that woman is not dating that man. Rather she is dating his money or his status. There are other words I could use for these type of people women but that's for another blog.

4. You're not attractive yourself:

I'm calling a spade a spade. If you aren't attractive yourself of course you're going to say that looks don't matter. #shots Understandably there is a HUGE difference between looks and attraction. If we find each other attractive that's all that should matter but if NOONE else finds you attractive then that also speaks volumes. If you are offended by this point then you just might be a spade. #youmad?

My homegirl @seeomora had this to say on the subject:

If I can't imagine u naked then I don't want to look

I think this about sums up how I feel. So how bout it? How important are looks vs. attraction in a relationship to you? Am I really the 2009 version of Shallow Hal?


khalisha said...

Wow!! You made me feel so much better lol. I can not see past a persons looks and I don't feel bad about it. All the women I asked were trying to be nice about it. Stating they would just look past their looks and grow to deal with it. I'm sorry but I shouldn't have to settle for growing to deal with a person I'm not attracted to. Iasked a pilot the same question today. His response was he married the sexy, college cheerleader, and now he is miserable bc he found out a she is, is a gold digging slut. Those were his words not mine lol. So my next question is can a person really get all the qualities they are seeking in their potential mate? Or do u have to sacrifice some thing in order to be completely satisfied with that person?

Tunde said...


its unfortunate about the pilot you talked to. i would hate to live my life in a marriage like that. smh.

"So my next question is can a person really get all the qualities they are seeking in their potential mate? Or do u have to sacrifice some thing in order to be completely satisfied with that person?"

- i don't think that you can get EVERYTHING you are seeking in one person but the key is to find that person that has the majority of what you seek and also makes you happy. i don't think it's possible to be completely satisfied but looks and personality are two things that should always be there.

Streetz said...

Yo Tun this post is so on point ESPECIALLy the #shots in #4! in my worldly travels (c) My ADP, I've heard and seen a lot of #swindles. This whole "it's whats on the inside that counts" fallacy has people actually fooled. Personality is very important so are other intangibles, but whenever a young lady asks me what i want in a woman, I'll say "She has to be intelligent, and she has to be beautiful" thats usually 1-2 before the rest of my laundry list. If im not attracted to you, then it's curtains for any potential anything!

People need to stop frontin!

Good shyt son son

Streetz said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Tish said...

I agree wholeheartedly with you Tunde. I actually tried to date someone who had a great personality, but wasn't attractive at all (to me). As nice as he was I couldn't see myself giving him anything but a hug...

Shemika S said...

Looks do matter when in relationships.Hands down-No questions asked.You don't have to be supermodel fine or Morris Chestnut handsome but you have to look like something.How could you possibly wake up to someone on a daily basis that you aren't even attracted to? *frowns brow* I want to be able to look at you when you're asleep and proudly say 'That's my baby'.I shouldn't have to convince myself when looking at you 'Well at least he has a good job' or 'At least he knows how to make me feel good'.Not to say these things don't matter but C'mon!!To me that is inexcusable and you will probably start fooling yourself in other aspects of your life as well.I would want to be able to take you around my family, friends, and even my ex and feel comfortable. If you look questionable they will question me lol.In the words of my aunt 'You gotta think about the kids'!This is a funny statement but it has stuck with me since high school.
So when asked do looks matter my response would be yes. Do I feel that it is shallow? Not at all, it's real..Gotta be true to yourself. God gave me eyes,vision,and the ability to feel/sense attraction for a reason!

As for Khalisha's question..I think you should pick like top 5 things you would want your mate to have. Out of the top 5 pick 3 that are a must and 2 you may be able to work without. 4.5 out of 5 (ain't) bad

Anonymous said...

Omg! Ur not shallow Tunde! Attraction is what draws everybody together and it's completely person dependent. And u have to be able to look at the person to tolerate them enough to get to know

Veronica said...

Tunde, you have been on a roll with these blogs!!! Lol!!! Yes in deed looks do matter!!!! I agree with ALL of the previous comments. Like Shemika said, I'm not running around thinking I'm going to date a LL Cool J, but when I look at him, imma need to get that same kinda flutter. I do want to be able to take him around friends and fam and get the "girl- where u get him from... Does he have a brother" kinda response. Nope it's not shallow- it's real! Who wants a mudduck?!?? I mean seriously! I think it CAN be shallow if looks is the ONLY thing that matters. I REQUIRE looks and personality. If looks aren't there (in some degree), me inspecting your personality is slim to none. Like somebody else mentioned, I TRIED to date the "3 out of 10" looking guy who was a "8 out of 10" personality guy... Didn't work out! I knew it wouldn't when after about 3 weeks he asked me all the time, "why don't we go to MMC parties"? (answer: because u are ugly buddy... Chill out, I'm trying something new!!! Lol). And he would ask me: "why don't u ever kiss me"? (my answer: that would require me to be wwaayyy to close to a vision that makes my skin crawl... But u nice! Lol). No I never said that to him, but it was dancing in my head!!! That's what solidified the fact that no matter how hard u try... U can not get around the fact that u have eyes... U will look and u have sense and will gravitate to that which is attractive to u, in your eyes... All these PC folks who say "looks dont matter" are either already married to or dating a beautiful/handsome person or are so deep in denial until they wii prob be eternally dating from the land of the mudducks!!!

April said...

It depends for me on how I meet you. If I've only seen you once then yes, looks are the only thing that you have to go on and either you talk at that moment or not. But other guys that I have been in school with or work with or had any other reason to be around continuously- there attractiveness to me will vary based on our interactions. I met a guy in law school that I thought was so gorgeous - dark, tall, perfect white teeth, in law school so clearly potential etc. but as the first year of law school progressed and I saw him run through a string of women, the lies, the cheating and how funny he thought it all was - his attractivebess to me faded immensely. I'm still friends with him but whenever we're together and a girl will ask me something about him or be drooling all over him, I don't even see it anymore. On the other hand, I met a guy who I didn't think particularly attractive initially. He had/has a receeding hair line, a country accent (yes, I'm from Georgia but I don't talk like that ;) and that ashy look. Well, I gave him my number cause I was wasted and we talked on the phone cause I was in the mood to talk when he called. Shortly after our first conversation his sister got very sick and was in the hospital near my house. I offered to bring some food to the family and when I got there and met them all and saw him interact with his parents and other relatives and how respectful he was and how warm they all were I started to get won over. After that, we did lunches and dinners and his manners were impeccable, his conversation was on religion and politics and everything, he was so smart - he encourgaed me through school whenever I would feel overwhelmed, came to my first mock trial, we graded papers together for his class (he's a math teacher/football coach), he brought me cold medicine for my daughter at 3o'clock in the morning once, flowers for no reason all the time, his kindness for me and when I watched him play with the kids in his family was just on a level like no other man I've dated....I don't think I'm unattractive. In fact, I've been told I'm quite arrogant. But one day when we were in the shower I looked at him and I didn't see any of those things that I critized initially as being important, I just saw someone who loves me and will take care of me and that I would do absolutely anything for. But if I didn't have the opportunity to get to know him based on looks, I would probably be in agreeance with you because I wouldn't know there were things more important than that. Unfortunately, I managed to fuck up this relationship in other ways so I'm not all happy anymore lol! BUT that's my story and I'm sticking to it. Looks are not paramount and should not be.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes a person's looks "grow" on you. These are people with intelligence and personality that you find neither physically attractive nor unattractive at first, but as you get to know them, usually as friends, you start to take notice of their features and begin to wonder . . . It is everything else about them that stokes your imagination.

Reecie said...

I hollered at Veronica's internal convo with the facially challenged guy she dated. LMAO.

and as anonymous stated, you can grow to like someone's looks--but this usually happens with people who were friends FIRST, and with a long cultivated relationship of seeing the best of their personality, you were able to look beyond. But for MOST relationships that don't start that way you are attracted to looks FIRST, point blank period. And yes they totally matter. Alot. Call it shallow if you want.

good post.


Sometimes I look at couples and wonder why they are together, #no offense. But case in point. I was watching The Newlywed Game (#gameshow junkie) and this couple on there just did not seem like a match at all. The same with a friend of mine who is dating a guy. He's not cute, and she has done better in my opinion, but whatever floats your boat

I think beauty is in the eye of the beholder. What may be attractive to you, may be less than common or pleasing to someone else. So to use the term attractive is kind of arbitrary in some cases.

Attraction is extremely important, but your looks begin to change once your personality surfaces.

You have a great personality, the better you start to look. A bad personality, the uglier you start to look, so yes....

I said all of that to agree with you, attraction is important in the first 10 seconds, but what comes out, after that can wipe it away in 2.5!!!

Tunde said...

streetz: #4 was what i initially thought of when i was called superficial for my answer. didn't want to say it then because then it would seem like it was a direct #shot at the person who said it.

tish: it was probably one of those church hugs too. you know the type. where you hug with your booty poked out so he doesn't get the wrong idea. lol


"God gave me eyes,vision,and the ability to feel/sense attraction for a reason!"

- like i said on twitter. i have 20/20 vision and there is nothing wrong with my eyes. so why should i make them suffer? lol

veronica: funny thing is i can actually imagine that exact conversation taking place in your head. smh. i think i know the fella you speak of. i might have seen y'all out and about. lol j/k

Tunde said...

April: i think you are absolutely correct. i really all depends on where you meet a person and how that relationship grows. that story is real and too bad it didn't work out. not saying that this is true in all cases but have you noticed that the people who lack the most in the looks department manage to treat you the best and have better personalities (once again not in all cases). maybe its because they have less options and have to make for it in some other way.

anonymous: this is the same situation that april described. and i think Reecie cleared that up well.

DC Diva:

"I said all of that to agree with you, attraction is important in the first 10 seconds, but what comes out, after that can wipe it away in 2.5!!!"

- i agree with this but i think this holds true in women more than men. men are willing to put up with a f***ed personality for the sake of a pretty face or a banging body. women (not all) are more likely to accept physical flaws in light of a person's shining personality.


@Tunde - Depends on the flaw. If it is something small or can be changed. yes. A friend of mine hates the way her BF dresses, a small flaw, embarrassing, but it can be changed.

Somethings can't be changed.

Tunde said...

DC Diva:

c'mon you know there are plenty of women out there that thrive on looking for men that are "projects". oh he doesn't have a job, i'll help him get one. he's not good with money? he can have mine. oh he beats me? that's his way of showing love. it was probably my fault anyway.

N.I.A. naturally... said...

I agree with you 110%. Physical attraction is what draws us to a person... Personality is what keeps us there.

Physical unattractiveness is why I tell men I have a man even though I don't. It's hard to tell someone he can't have your number b/c he looks like a brown, bald leprechaun. I don't like hurting feelings. By the way, love the blog.

April said...


I don't know that unattractive people treat you better - I have had girlfriends abused and misused by an equal share of what are in my opinion attractive/unattractive people. A better predictor of how someone is going to treat you is how you treat yourself.

Also, I want to disclaim some of my earlier statement and agree with DC Diva. It depends on the flaw, a nice & smart & successful guy with those pussy bumps all over the neck, I'm not ever going to be able to get over. Nice, smart, successful and disguistingly obese/sloppy I'm robably not going to be able to get into either.

In general though, from my prior experience I just don't want to limit myself to initial attractiveness, I want to have a conversation to see if there is any reason to keep talking.

Tunde said...


that i have a man excuse only works on dudes that actually care if you have a man. lol just food for thought.


"It depends on the flaw, a nice & smart & successful guy with those pussy bumps all over the neck, I'm not ever going to be able to get over."

- pussy bumps though? lol i used to call them nestle crunch because that's how the back of some dude's necks looked like.

Tai Slumz said...

everyone needs to keep it 100!!! i agree with point number 2 about people just wanting to be PC. I mean really tho....who is initially attracted to personality? With some kind of physical chemistry we wont make it to the conversation. However this age old argument is a good one....i like to see what everyone has to say about it.

Reina said...

I agree with everything you said. Looks are important. Only those without them say otherwise.

I wanted to phrase that better but I'm sick and unmotivated.

Great post.

April said...

To the only those who are ugly say looks don't matter comments.

I use to be a looks paramount person until I married and divorced gorgeous. He's such a liar. And never pays his child support on time or visits our daughter. Then after this I dated not so gorgeous initially who took care of me in every way so much so that to this date if he would give me another chance I'd take it and I'd consider anal sex. Yeah, that much.

I feel like I'm a beautiful person outside and in. I love my shape, my hair, my laugh..I could go on ;) I just had experiences that made me realize that something besides looks can sustain me. I would actually fear someone dating me for my looks - I like to eat, at some point I will gain weight and I don't want to be harassed about it. What if I decide to go natural and he only wanted this long wavy relaxed hair? Oh, once I dated a guy who made one too many comments about my skin color and how he wanted our kids to be my color. I mean, I like my color and all but don't date me cause you want light skinned babies. Now I'm babbling...

The Point: I prioritize what I want in a man because of my past experiences. At this point in my life, I take time to talk to people no matter what they look like becuase they could be a business contact. If something else can be born out of that conversation, I'm open.

Ms. Lotus said...

Great Post..Looks are definitely important. Being good looking could also score someone brownie points. For example, we get into an argument, and I'm mad. However, your very cute, so I might get over it really fast. If you aren't as good looking, it might take me a while. I'm not even trying to be shallow, isht happens. You can't bypass looks, and that's a fact. Your soo right Tunde! I mean, for some girls a nice car will wind them in, but if the dude in the nice car is looking like jigga face, then what's the point?? The only option is to date him because of his whip..

Not being shallow either...just realistic... to post so late..had a Bday yesterday.. :-)


ROTFLMAO @ April - "if he would give me another chance I'd take it and I'd consider anal sex. Yeah, that much. "

No comment

Tunde said...

Ms. Lotus: i had that discussion earlier today with a friend. it's so easy to forgive a significant other that actually looks good. if they don't you think to yourself: "i got to put up with this shit and she don't even look good." lol

btw, happy belated birthday.


All of the guys that suscribe to being called "Lil _______ (insert cliche name here)must be fine as hell...

Women & men are a little bit different. Not much. Still shallow when it comes to some choices. Guys may go with the banging body, buttah face, while chicks go with the butta face, mr., bank account, but both will swear up & down, they are attracted to them. #untiltheyseenthelight

I'm on my 3rd, glass of champagne. I'll regroup & come harder tomorrow!!!

Tunde said...

DC Diva:

"No Comment"

- oh let's be honest with ourselves. lol you have plenty of comments.

Ms. Lotus said...

@ Tunde: Thanks..

I guess that looks do matter after all.

Tunde said...

DC Diva:

"I'm on my 3rd, glass of champagne. I'll regroup & come harder tomorrow!!!"


The EyeSPyZ !!! said...

Tunde, I agree with you 100%. As I said before people are visual creatures. It's always been this way, and it's MEANT to be this way. Think about it this way...Men have always been expected to be the ones to make the approach, and the only thing they have to go on when approaching a woman they've never met is looks. That's why first impressions matter most. Most people claim they know within 5 seconds whether or not they are "interested." Some allow their interest to develop over time. But people usually judge each other based on appearances. Now don't get me wrong..just going off of looks does seem shallow and superficial. But when it comes to relationships or finding the right match, someone's personality is an important factor/role as well.