I'm Not A Player, I Just Crush A Lot

Thinking of your crush directly causes a rush in your chest and a noticeable increase in your heartbeat. The tragedy of knowing that your crush might not reciprocate your feelings fills you with despondency and hopelessness. All you can do is fantasize about your crush becoming a part of your life, of linking your experiences with theirs, of assimilating their existence into your mundane world. Having a crush is a euphoric, desperate, compulsive state of being.

I remember my first real crush. It was when I moved and started a different elementary school during the 4th grade. Her name was Dominique. I crushed on her from the fourth grade all the way until the end of middle school. In my eyes she could do no wrong. I remember how I excited I was when she found out she was coming to my 13th birthday party. Maybe it was because she was always nice to me. Or maybe it was her perfectly cut bangs. I don't know but Ahhh the memories.

Once I entered into the brand new world of high school I was besieged by so many pretty girls. It seemed like I had a new crush every week. There were tall girls, there were short girls. There were skinny girls, there were thick girls. It was simply beautiful bliss. There were a few crushes that did stand out though. Two to be exact but I won't put them or myself out there like that. These crushes were my friends first and foremost so I think overall I was most infatuated with their personalities. It didn't hurt that I found them absolutely beautiful. We are actually still good friends to this day.

After I left high school I thought I was over crushes. I didn't have not one in college. After all who has time for that type of innocent behavior in college? College is all about getting it in finding yourself right? After college it was time to grow up and infatuations were one of those things that was childish. I thought I had put it all behind me until my second year of grad school. That's when I first met her. A couple of my friends know whom I speak of. If you look at some of my early blog posts, I believe I actually mentioned her. Too bad she had a boyfriend the entire time she was here. You best believe I let her know what was up though. lol Oh what could have been.

Do I have any crushes now? Sure do. Would they ever know? Probably not. Do you still have crushes? If you do, do/would you let that person know?

Dream-2/1/10

*****Before I get into the dream , I know that you read my blog so I just want to state the that although some names and periods of time have been changed this isn't about you. This isn't about you either. Or you. Just don't want you making assumptions because we know what that leads to. Anyway, I know that YOU read my blog and this IS about you.*****

Characters of My Dream (some names have been changed to protect the not so innocent):

• Erica- A woman who I "date" on occasion.


• Kennedy- My line brother.


• James- Kennedy's friend.


• Natasha- Another girl whom I am currently dating.

It's a Saturday night and Kennedy and I are hanging out so we decide to go to Outback (or any restaurant that has booths in their bar area) to have drinks. I decide to invite Natasha along to have drinks with us and James just so happened to drop by the crib before we head out so he came along too. While we are having drinks at Outback I notice that Natasha and James are a little too comfortable with each other and that caused me to feel some type of way (I have no idea what this had to do with the overall dream). Either way we are having a good time when I notice that Erica and her "date" walk into the bar area. Being the cool cat that I am I play it easy as Erica and I make eye contact. Erica and her date sit at another booth across from the bar. For some reason Erica keeps looking towards our table and catching eye contact with me.

In this particular bar there is a men's, women's and family bathroom. When Erica gets up to use the bathroom she catches eye contact with me again but this time her date notices. He gets up and follows her into the family bathroom. The entire bar can hear him whooping her ass in the bathroom. Natasha looks at me like aren't you going to do anything. Kennedy and I get up and walk towards the bathroom. Kennedy gets there before I do and as Erica's date walks out he punches him and drops him with one punch. As dude lay bleeding on the ground Kennedy hits him a couple more times. Some random dudes at the bar hold Erica's date down on the ground. One of the guys holds his leg up at a 45 degree angle and Kennedy takes a running start, jumps in the air and lands right on dude's knee.

In my dream I could vividly remember hear the bones in dude's leg breaking. I cringed so hard in my sleep that I woke up. I was 3:46 in the morning and I had a hard time going back to sleep. I thought when I woke up in the morning I would forget the dream, but even as I'm writing this I can picture Kennedy literally breaking dude's leg in two. *shudder*

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I have no interest in looking up interpretations for this dream. Just wanted to share.

Skin-Freaky Friday

***My girl Reecie sometimes does a Freaky Friday post over at Soundtrack of My Life, featuring her favorite sexy jam at the moment. I was thinking of her when I decided I wanted to post something similar today. Since I'm not going to be getting into any freaky activity today, I figured I'd write about it since I can't have the real thing. Also Reecie picked the soundtrack for this post. I respect her musical opinion. She be on it, so check out her blog. ***

I love your skin. It's soft and smooth. I've reiterated that I don't care what complexion a woman's skin is, just as long as its healthy (read here). When you have on lotion that smells good, I take a deep breath when I hug you and take it all in #twss, pause. I relish the feeling when our skin touches and the hairs on our body stand straight.

I love the feeling of skin to skin contact. I just don't mean actual penetration or oral gratification. Sure I would love to impale you and watch the sheer look of joy, pain and exhilaration on your face. In reality that's just one part of the experience. I want to feel your breasts against my chest. Our hearts beating in unison. The sweat dripping off your back sliding down my chest and down my stomach. Your legs wrapped around my waist as our lips and tongues intertwine. I don't want to be able to tell where you stop and I begin as I get deeper and deeper. Side by side, on top, upside down, forward and backward, however we get it, I want every part of my body to touch every part of yours. For me and you its not just an act but an experience. I'm going to savor every moment of this adventure.

When we have both come back down to reality from what just occurred, I still crave that skin to skin contact. I know its cold out but after I get you a warm washcloth and something to drink, don't worry about being cold. We'll use body heat to keep us warm. We'll sleep content and satisfied while our limbs are tangled. In my sleep I subconsciously put my hand there, while you put your hand here and before you know round 2 has begun. The next morning even though I'm late to my meeting and we're tired from lack of sleep the look of your body and the fact that its morning has inspired round 3. Or does this count as a different match? Who cares if I'm late to my meeting? I love the feeling of your skin.

Mood Music (if I used any):

Open Letter

Dear Black Women,

I do a lot of reading (books, magazines, blogs, etc) and I've noticed a stigma when it comes to black women. It seems there are so many people telling you what's wrong with you. From relationship issues to physical features everyone has their opinion on why you are not happy, unsatisfied, mad or just plain undeserving. I don't feel that there are enough outlets that celebrate black womanhood. I did a post similar on blog in the past (click here to check it out). Hopefully this letter does you some justice.

First let me start with the first black woman in my life who is my everything. She gave me life. She nurtured me and helped shape me in the man that I am. Remember, you are what she is to me. You are the mother of this Earth. You birthed the first man. The first woman. Without you noone would be here. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Big ups to my moms.

The saying "Behind every strong man is a strong woman" seems cliché but it couldn't hold any truer when it comes to black men. Speaking as a black man we have to deal with so much in the world. So many preconceived ideas about who we are, what we aren't and what we can't do. It's so reassuring to have a black woman beside you to hold you up while dealing with her own issues. That takes strength, sturdiness and vigor.

Don't concern yourself with what other people (including other black women) might think of you. If you aren't married or don't have kids by a certain age don't feel pressured to do so because of social pressures or what others might think. If you feel like black men aren't acting right, expand your horizons (black men will do it in a heartbeat so why not you?). Don't feel pressured to change the way you look because guys ogle over a certain "type" they see on television. I promise there are plenty of men out there that appreciate you just the way you are.

Just know that you are appreciated even though sometimes it may not seem that way.

Sincerely,

Tunde

Dream-1/23/10

***On Saturday night I had one dream and one nightmare. Usually I don't know exactly where these weird dreams come from but I think at least this time I have a reason. I rented Gamer and Halloween II from Redbox© Saturday night. After watching Gamer I fell asleep watching Halloween. It was playing while I was sleep. I believe it had a lot to do with nightmare. ***

So I was in church at Mt. Zion (Old Hickory location) listening to Bishop Walker give the sermon for the day. When I go I usually sit in the center near where the camera man is, so in my dream that's where I was sitting. I heard commotion in the back and I looked back I saw the bruhs locking the doors so no one would be able to escape. Don't ask me how I know they were the bruhs but I just knew. Maybe they had on purple and gold shirts. Anyway, all of them had axes, knives, machetes, etc. They went to mascaraing nearly the entire congregation. For some reason they didn't touch Bishop Walker or me. Maybe they knew we were bruhs too but it was strange. I tried to save as many people as I could but there was so much blood. It was a very strange dream.

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Dream- To dream that you are in a church, suggests that you are seeking for some spiritual enlightenment and guidance. You are looking to be uplifted in some way. Perhaps you have made some mistakes in the past which have set you back on your path toward your goals. With proper support, you will get on the right track again. Alternatively, it may also mean that you are questioning and debating your life path and where it is leading. You are reevaluating what you want to do.

Ax- To see an ax in your dream, indicates that you are overly controlling. It is symbolic of destruction, hostility, and the frustrations that you are experiencing. Perhaps you "have an ax to grind" with someone. Or the dream can be a metaphor that you are ready to "bury the ax" and make amends.

Murder- To dream that you witness a murder, indicates deep-seated anger towards somebody. Consider how the victim represents aspects of yourself that you want to destroy or eliminate.

All the Best Ones are Taken

**First I want to shout out my Fav, Milan for giving me this blog idea. Check out her blog and follow her on twitter. She really is my favorite. :-) **

We've been pretty good friends for a while now. I don't even remember how we even became friends. That's what I tell myself because she has placed me in purgatory AKA the friend zone. I had the biggest crush on her when we first met but I guess she only saw me as a friend, so that's the position I played. We laugh at each other's jokes, we both listen to the same type of music, we are an intellectual match. We just fit well together. As friends. So frustrating. Eventually I began to look at her as just a friend.

She comes to me for advice or just to vent about the her relationship/men issues and sometimes I just listen because I guess that's what good friends do. I never really go to her about relationship stuff because I don't really talk about my feelings. Until that one day I told her that I was planning on becoming exclusive with this one woman I was seeing. When I told her she seemed pretty shocked and I asked her why.

She replied, "Well I never really thought of you as the type of guy who was the commitment type."

That was 4 months ago and now when we hang out I notice that things have become weird between us. I catch her stealing glances at me and she looks at me a little differently now. I also swear that there is an increase in sexual tension (at least on her end because it was always there on my end). Then one night while we went out on a Friday to have drinks she hit me with it. While I was driving her home she put her hand on my thigh and as I turned and looked in her eyes and I will never forget the next words she said to me:

"I want you right now."

We both had a couple of drinks so I guess that liquid courage got the best of her. I just couldn't help but wonder where all of was coming from. Then it dawned on me when all of this attention from her came about. It was when I told her I had a girlfriend. That's when my conscious took over. Should I do the right and moral thing or should I throw caution to the wind and give into my carnal desires?

What is it about a man that is taken that makes them that more attractive and appealing to women (or vice versa but not really)? Here are reasons why people are already attached might seem more appealing than if they weren't:

First, men seem much more trustworthy because they haven't been straying (that you know of). Secondly, it's a taboo. Exciting, like seducing a priest or midget porn. Thirdly, conquest and accomplishment. We want what we can't have. A woman can feel bad about it, but inside there is some part which feeds the ego if she's good enough to pull a taken man away from his significant other.

Have you ever starting seeing someone differently after you found out they were involved with someone? Did you act on it?

***Based on some comments that have been made I felt I had to come back and add this disclaimer. This story is NOT about Milan and I.***

***Disclaimer #2 This story is fictional.***

Happy MLK Day!

Oh and if this video offends you then *shrug*.

Enjoy your day off (well those that will have the day off).